Thursday, April 30, 2009

Child Abuse! Child Abuse!

For some reason every time I take my son to the library he loses his frik frakkin mind.  Usually it is on the way back to the car.  There is something about that parking lot that I cant quite put my finger on... but what ever it is causes my boy to turn into, well, a crazed midget ninja every time.   I know 'midget' isn't nice, but he is one so there.  He is all 3 feet of crazed arms and legs trying to land a round house kick on the woman carrying a 40 pound bag of library books and a 20lb 9 month old.  As I go to strap him in the car he tries to head butt me.  Did I mention he is screaming at the top of his lungs?  Yeah, he is not going to go quietly.  When he finally does connect his foot and my face I lose my cool and start smacking his little thigh and shrilly tell him "Hitting hurts!  We don't hit!  Hitting hurts!"  Oh, yes.  I see the irony.  No need to point out the fact that I am hitting his little leg while screaming about not hitting.  But my face hurt from where he kicked me, I am sweating and there are library books strewn over the parking lot.  I am losing my shiz-niz here.  In my defense I didn't smack his little leg hard enough to leave a mark, just enough to get his attention and for him to stop kicking me and start trying to bite me.  Mmmmm, this is looking a lot worse in print... I truly am not a spanker...crap there is no making this look good.
Anyways, I finally get into the drivers seat still ranting about hitting and how we don't act that way and as I put my key in the ignition I come face to face with the woman who has parked in the space opposite mine.  She is staring in abject horror and all of the sudden I remember that poor Irish Traveler woman from years ago.  The one who got caught on the mall security cam going medieval on her kids in a van.  Oh, crap I am that woman.  I am sure she is taking my license plate number and calling protective services as I pull out.  
It is here I decided not to threaten spankings we are going to call it Child Abusing...that's right "Don't make me Child Abuse you!"  "Son, if you hit your sister in the head I will Child Abuse you."  "If you run out into the street I will Child Abuse your bottom!"
A girl friend of mine says this way when they scream in a store- "Don't Child Abuse me!"  and run in the other direction, as you are trying to wrestle them back into the cart after they bean you in the face with a sippy cup, people will laugh instead of calling the authorities. 
All of the sudden I am feeling really sorry for that Irish Traveller chick.