Saturday, November 29, 2008

He sees you when you're sleeping!

I recently took the kids to have their picture taken with Santa Claus at the local mall.  There we were patiently waiting in line to sit on the old guy's lap, I had Maddie sitting on the stairs to the raised stage and Bodhi was in her stroller.  As we waited for our turn Maddox spies a decoration on the stage that he simply cannot resist.  An old metal car with pedals sits amongst fake presents and poinsettias.  He gets up from his spot on the stairs and rushes across the stage in the midst of another child's turn with the jolly one.  I ask the friend I am with to watch Bodhi and race after the boy, who has already jammed himself in the metal car and is trying to pedal his way off the stage and to freedom.
"Maddox, you get out of there right now.  This is not a toy, this is not something we play with." I say in the firmest and quietest voice I can muster.
Mad is choosing to ignore me and is now making loud vroom-vroom sounds to accompany the violent turning of the steering wheel.  I am frantically debating on what to do- do I haul him out of the car and let the meltdown ensue right before I am about to sit him on Santa's lap?  Do I try to talk him out of this car for the next fifteen minutes and continue to disrupt other people's pictures just to avoid said meltdown.  No, I cant do it.  Just when I am about to scoop him up and brave the thrashing and screaming that comes along with a 2 year old being removed from a forbidden and enjoyable activity it hits me.  Santa.  We have been talking for 2 months about Santa watching you and how you have to be a good boy, yackity yackity... so I turn to Maddox and say
"Maddox you need to listen to Mommy, Santa is watching you.  He knows you aren't being a good boy and listening to Mama."  Maddox looks at me with a raised brow, thinks for a moment and goes back to vroom-vrooming.
"No seriously, dude, he is right over there and he is watching you!"  I hiss and thumb over my shoulder at the fat guy in the big red suit.  Maddox leans back in the car to get a look around me and is just in time to see Santa look at him and wave.  The other kid is done and Santa is now waiting for us and is chuckling at the scene before him.  Well, you never saw a kid try to get out of a toy car so fast in your life.  He was falling over himself try to extricate himself from this thing and I had to pick him up finally because he got his feet stuck under the pedals.  The picture was taken and everything went smooth from there on out.  But I do now have the added pleasure of being able to remind Mad that somewhere Santa maybe watching!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

What's yo' name? A one act play.

The bathroom door stands ajar. Maddox, a sweet three year old boy, is using the facilities out of sight but within earshot...

Maddox to his Minnie Mouse doll: "Hey Minnie!"

Maddox in a high pitched voice as Minnie: "Hi! What's yo' name?"

Maddox speaking to the potty seat: "Hey Brown Poopoo whats yo' name? What's yo' name brown poopoo?"


Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I think I'll move to Australia

If you have ever read Judith Viorst's Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day then you know that some days, or in my case a week, can go from bad to worse. Sometimes it seems like you just cannot win for losing.

If this week hadn't been happening to me I wouldn't believe it, so I wont take it personally if you don't. It all started last Monday with a sinus infection so bad that I couldn't get out of bed. My saint of a mother-in-law took two days off of work to take care of me and the kids.
(I have to admit that I am super spoiled in the in-law arena. Most women I know would rather chew their own arms off then pick up the phone and call their MIL's. It's sad but true. So, go ahead and hate me cause my MIL is awesome.)
I went to the doctor's office and because I am still breastfeeding Bodhi the only meds they could give me was amoxicillin. Great. Good, get this sinus infection outta here.

Yeaaaah, well I haven't taken any of Penicillins in about 20 years. And after 8 days my sinus infection was gone! Yippee! But, wait...I was feeling a little itchy. Oh, hell no, I am allergic to Amoxicillin! Fun for me. So another trip to the doctors office, another copay and they tell me to take some Benadryl and that it could take the ugly red, raised, itchy rash that is all over my arms neck and stomach, up to two weeks to go away. Fine, whatever, I don't have time for this. I have a party at my son's preschool, I have to pick my mother up at the airport, dinner to make for my in-laws, and some trick or treating to do.

I scratched my way through it all and after a sleepless night of itching and scratching and some more itching I awoke at 6am with the boy only to find that my left eye was swelling shut and that my ears were so swollen they were sticking out from my head. It's a look, trust me. Of course this is happening on a weekend. Lucky for me it is happening on a weekend that my mother is in town visiting so Brian can stay with Maddox while I drag my swollen hive ridden carcass to the Urgent Care Center in the middle of the ghetto with my mom and my four month old. By the time we arrive my throat and tongue are starting to swell and the doc tells me to make for the ER. More fun.

Well, after several hours, IV drugs (the walls were dancing- drugs are bad, mmmkay!) and some oxygen I was released with a ton o' drugs to keep the hives and swelling at bay. Unfortunately those drugs only succeeded in causing me to get a nasty case of the cha-chas. So back to the doctors office and this time I have Maddox and Bodhi in tow.

Here is where I start to wonder if I have done something awful in a former life....
The hives are back and my ears are swelling again. I cant sit without pain because the meds that aren't working gave me the cha-chas and now my son is having the biggest fit you have ever seen as we sit in the waiting room. This is the mother of all fits. Maddox has a cold and is miserable. He is screaming so loud and thrashing around so badly that several people actually leave the waiting room and stand outside. Bodhi is now crying because of the noise. Did I mention that the hives get worse when I sweat. Mmmmm, yeaaaahhhh. Can you say leper? People are looking at me like I am one.

This massive fit Maddie is having lasts all morning. I take him home where he continues to hit, kick, bite and scream. To top it off my dog does something so disgusting that I am gagging remembering it. That dirty little creature followed Maddox and I into the bathroom and while I was washing Mad's hands she ATE the poo out of the potty seat before I had a chance to empty it out!

Excuse me, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Oh, my God! Why????? This is so nasty and now my son is screaming because he didn't get to flush the frikkin toilet. I am screaming at the dog because that has got to be the most heinous thing I have ever witnessed. I lock that little crap eater in her cage with thoughts of selling her to my local Vietnamese restaurant and drag the kids out to run some errands....

Let me condense it for you-
Freak out at Toys R Us while waiting in line to pay for Brian's Christmas gift. Maddox actually close fist punches me in the face while having said freak out. I am mortified and cannot beat him in public.
I cut the errands short and take the evil little pugilist home and stick him in his room with the instructions to think about why we don't cold cock mommy in the face. It takes another couple of hours of tantrum and time outs to sink in that he wont win this way.
Meanwhile, my house smells like crap. Literally. Because that sorry excuse for man's best friend is in her cage puking up poo.
I am seriously thinking about running away. Did I mention that I have come down with Maddox's cold? Brian just called to remind me he has to go out of town tonight for a business trip and wont be back until tomorrow evening. Ha! I tell him I wont be here when he gets back, I am moving to Australia.
On the upside Bodhi is the sweetest thing in the world and is hanging out in her bouncy seat watching this all go down with a smile on her face. Ah, hell. She's too cute. So I guess I might as well stay. Besides, I hear some days are just like this, even in Australia.