Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I think I'll move to Australia

If you have ever read Judith Viorst's Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day then you know that some days, or in my case a week, can go from bad to worse. Sometimes it seems like you just cannot win for losing.

If this week hadn't been happening to me I wouldn't believe it, so I wont take it personally if you don't. It all started last Monday with a sinus infection so bad that I couldn't get out of bed. My saint of a mother-in-law took two days off of work to take care of me and the kids.
(I have to admit that I am super spoiled in the in-law arena. Most women I know would rather chew their own arms off then pick up the phone and call their MIL's. It's sad but true. So, go ahead and hate me cause my MIL is awesome.)
I went to the doctor's office and because I am still breastfeeding Bodhi the only meds they could give me was amoxicillin. Great. Good, get this sinus infection outta here.

Yeaaaah, well I haven't taken any of Penicillins in about 20 years. And after 8 days my sinus infection was gone! Yippee! But, wait...I was feeling a little itchy. Oh, hell no, I am allergic to Amoxicillin! Fun for me. So another trip to the doctors office, another copay and they tell me to take some Benadryl and that it could take the ugly red, raised, itchy rash that is all over my arms neck and stomach, up to two weeks to go away. Fine, whatever, I don't have time for this. I have a party at my son's preschool, I have to pick my mother up at the airport, dinner to make for my in-laws, and some trick or treating to do.

I scratched my way through it all and after a sleepless night of itching and scratching and some more itching I awoke at 6am with the boy only to find that my left eye was swelling shut and that my ears were so swollen they were sticking out from my head. It's a look, trust me. Of course this is happening on a weekend. Lucky for me it is happening on a weekend that my mother is in town visiting so Brian can stay with Maddox while I drag my swollen hive ridden carcass to the Urgent Care Center in the middle of the ghetto with my mom and my four month old. By the time we arrive my throat and tongue are starting to swell and the doc tells me to make for the ER. More fun.

Well, after several hours, IV drugs (the walls were dancing- drugs are bad, mmmkay!) and some oxygen I was released with a ton o' drugs to keep the hives and swelling at bay. Unfortunately those drugs only succeeded in causing me to get a nasty case of the cha-chas. So back to the doctors office and this time I have Maddox and Bodhi in tow.

Here is where I start to wonder if I have done something awful in a former life....
The hives are back and my ears are swelling again. I cant sit without pain because the meds that aren't working gave me the cha-chas and now my son is having the biggest fit you have ever seen as we sit in the waiting room. This is the mother of all fits. Maddox has a cold and is miserable. He is screaming so loud and thrashing around so badly that several people actually leave the waiting room and stand outside. Bodhi is now crying because of the noise. Did I mention that the hives get worse when I sweat. Mmmmm, yeaaaahhhh. Can you say leper? People are looking at me like I am one.

This massive fit Maddie is having lasts all morning. I take him home where he continues to hit, kick, bite and scream. To top it off my dog does something so disgusting that I am gagging remembering it. That dirty little creature followed Maddox and I into the bathroom and while I was washing Mad's hands she ATE the poo out of the potty seat before I had a chance to empty it out!

Excuse me, I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Oh, my God! Why????? This is so nasty and now my son is screaming because he didn't get to flush the frikkin toilet. I am screaming at the dog because that has got to be the most heinous thing I have ever witnessed. I lock that little crap eater in her cage with thoughts of selling her to my local Vietnamese restaurant and drag the kids out to run some errands....

Let me condense it for you-
Freak out at Toys R Us while waiting in line to pay for Brian's Christmas gift. Maddox actually close fist punches me in the face while having said freak out. I am mortified and cannot beat him in public.
I cut the errands short and take the evil little pugilist home and stick him in his room with the instructions to think about why we don't cold cock mommy in the face. It takes another couple of hours of tantrum and time outs to sink in that he wont win this way.
Meanwhile, my house smells like crap. Literally. Because that sorry excuse for man's best friend is in her cage puking up poo.
I am seriously thinking about running away. Did I mention that I have come down with Maddox's cold? Brian just called to remind me he has to go out of town tonight for a business trip and wont be back until tomorrow evening. Ha! I tell him I wont be here when he gets back, I am moving to Australia.
On the upside Bodhi is the sweetest thing in the world and is hanging out in her bouncy seat watching this all go down with a smile on her face. Ah, hell. She's too cute. So I guess I might as well stay. Besides, I hear some days are just like this, even in Australia.