Saturday, February 7, 2009

Mourning sickness

Morning sickness.  In a way its wonderful.  It means you are on the beginning of a wonderful and exciting journey.  Your body is telling you that you are changing, you are fostering life.   Even your doctor will tell you it is a good sign, that your pregnancy is taking.  And then again... it is a misery.  Once the first flush and excitement abates you cant wait for this good sign to go away.  If you are anything like me you were sick to your stomach right up until you were 3 or 4 months along.  Maybe you were or are sick even longer.  My poor mother in law was sick all 9 months with both her babies.  
Bet you never thought you could be so ill that your toes, finger nails and even your hair would feel nauseous.  Even scent can even set you throwing up.  Smells you never even noticed before can make you toss your cookies.  Suddenly the world is a very stinky place.  I couldn't do the dishes without gagging, although my husband was convinced that I was making this up to get out of dish duty.  But I swear to you I could be on the freeway, windows rolled up, driving 75 miles per hour and smell the cigarette smoke from another vehicle  5 cars away!  So sick to your stomach that you cant think of anything else.  I refused to eat anything that wasn't white.  Don't ask me why, white food was the only thing that didn't sound like it was going to come right back up.  
And it really isn't morning sickness since you can have it anytime of the day or night.  I would venture to say that we should respell it mourning sickness.  Because in a very real way, no matter how excited you are to be pregnant I believe our bodies are in mourning.   We are mourning for the way our bodies used to look, our freedom, our sleep, we are mourning the loss of our sanity (damn hormones).  We are mourning because the minute before we peed on that stick was our last moment without worry.  We will never be alone again.  So our doctors can go on and on about changes in our chemistry and hormones, but I for one am under the firm belief that subconsciously we are mourning for the change in our life, no matter how exciting and joyful.  No matter how long we tried to get preggers.  
All of this being said...the minute you hear that baby cry, the moment you hold him or her in your arms your mourning sickness becomes a hazy memory, a badge of courage and honor. You will slowly begin a new kind of mourning as you realize this sweet creature you and your honey created is going to someday grow up.  That someday, all too soon, your little one wont need you like this anymore.  They wont want to be held and cuddled.  And before we turn around they will be driving off.  And that is the real mourning sickness.  So I guess I can kinda understand that Dugger woman and her 18 kids after all....