Child Abuse! Child Abuse!

For some reason every time I take my son to the library he loses his frik frakkin mind.  Usually it is on the way back to the car.  There is something about that parking lot that I cant quite put my finger on... but what ever it is causes my boy to turn into, well, a crazed midget ninja every time.   I know 'midget' isn't nice, but he is one so there.  He is all 3 feet of crazed arms and legs trying to land a round house kick on the woman carrying a 40 pound bag of library books and a 20lb 9 month old.  As I go to strap him in the car he tries to head butt me.  Did I mention he is screaming at the top of his lungs?  Yeah, he is not going to go quietly.  When he finally does connect his foot and my face I lose my cool and start smacking his little thigh and shrilly tell him "Hitting hurts!  We don't hit!  Hitting hurts!"  Oh, yes.  I see the irony.  No need to point out the fact that I am hitting his little leg while screaming about not hitting.  But my face hurt from where he kicked me, I am sweating and there are library books strewn over the parking lot.  I am losing my shiz-niz here.  In my defense I didn't smack his little leg hard enough to leave a mark, just enough to get his attention and for him to stop kicking me and start trying to bite me.  Mmmmm, this is looking a lot worse in print... I truly am not a spanker...crap there is no making this look good.

Anyways, I finally get into the drivers seat still ranting about hitting and how we don't act that way and as I put my key in the ignition I come face to face with the woman who has parked in the space opposite mine.  She is staring in abject horror and all of the sudden I remember that poor Irish Traveler woman from years ago.  The one who got caught on the mall security cam going medieval on her kids in a van.  Oh, crap I am that woman.  I am sure she is taking my license plate number and calling protective services as I pull out.  

It is here I decided not to threaten spankings anymore...now we are going to call it Child Abusing...that's right "Don't make me Child Abuse you!"  "Son, if you hit your sister in the head I will Child Abuse you."  "If you run out into the street I will Child Abuse your bottom!"

A girl friend of mine says this way when they scream in a store- "Don't Child Abuse me!"  and run in the other direction, as you are trying to wrestle them back into the cart after they bean you in the face with a sippy cup, people will laugh instead of calling the authorities. 

All of the sudden I am feeling really sorry for that Irish Traveller chick.

We got trouble...

We got trouble, right here in River City.   Trouble with a capital T and that ryhmes with P and that stands for....Pain in my big white bahookie!  Sibling rivalry...oh, my we've got trouble all right.  Maddox is seriously having issues with a mobile little sister.  Anything and everything she touches is met with a "that's mine!"  and did I mention he likes to growl.  I'm not just talking about toys either.  I am talking everything from the vacuum cleaner to the throw pillows on the couch.  I think he is just ticked she is here.  Honestly, I expected this to happen when she came home from the hospital, not nine months later for crying out loud!  Delayed reaction much?

I would think that it was cute that he is always watching out for his sissy, except for the fact that he is always watching out for his sissy. 

 

"Don't touch that! Don't do that!  That's my Mommy!"  Oh, Lord!  What is going to happen once she starts walking?  He already whacked her in the face with a frog balloon just for moving towards it.  

Let's just go through the list of conversations that are repeatedly had with the Boy through out the day, shall we...

1.  The Sharing Talk

2.  The You Don't Hit Your Sister/Dog/Mommy Talk

3.  The Don't Scream In Your Sister's Face Talk

4.  The Where Are Your Pants Talk (A little off topic, but I have this one about 16 times a day so I thought I might throw it in there)

The poor kid spends his entire day worrying about what his sister is doing, getting, moving towards that I think he is going to, or already has had, a mental break!

Dude, let Mommy worry about sister, you worry about yourself.  For example: where the heck have your pants gone and what are you doing with that spatula?

My First Ever Give Away!!!

To celebrate the fact that SITS chose me as a Saucy Blog (I am overly excited here!) I decided to do my first ever Give Away and the wonderful girls at Chic Bebe Boutique were kind enough to offer up a prize!  

All you have to do is click here and go to  chicbebeboutique.com and sign the guest book (the link to that is on the far left hand side on the bottom).  Dont forget to leave a comment about their adorable products!  I will close the Give Away on Friday May 1st at 8pm and then pick a name at random and then a Chic Bebe gifty will be on its way to the winner!  Soooo excited!  Thanks to all you SITS girls for stopping by and thanks to the Chic Bebe girls for donating the prize!  

Intervention needed please.

"Welcome to Starbucks what can I get you?"

Mmmm, I'll take  a triple venti, two splenda, soy, latte and an intervention please.

Okay, so you know it is bad when your 3 year old pretends to drive his little car around the backyard while holding an imaginary cell phone to one ear and places a perfect Starbucks order to an imaginary Starbucks employee.

Yeaaaaah, I am going to want to put the phone down while driving and ween myself off the lattes.  But I warn you it isn't going to be pretty.  I am going to suffer withdrawal symptoms.  Bad.  Withdrawal.  Symptoms.  

This is seriously not my fault though!  Those Starbucks people are putting an addictive additive into their coffee.  I know what you are thinking.  Yeah, its called caffeine dummy!  No, it is more than that!  I think it is akin to crack!  Those  people are putting crack rock in their coffee!  I crave it.  My own coffee tastes nothing like it.  If I don't get it I still end up thinking about it all day.  I even have that stupid VIP card they offer.  Just so I can feel better about saving 10% when buying a $5 latte every morning after my workout!  Holy Hell, I am spending $5 every morning in addition to my gym membership!  My husband is going to kill me!

I would give up the coffee altogether but then who would take care of my children when I couldn't get out of bed?  It has gotten to the point that I drink that shiz all day long just to function.  And if the pot goes cold, well yippee we have iced coffee for later.  Oh, lord!  Is there a twelve step program somewhere?

"Hello, my name is Kari and I am addicted to Starbucks, my cell phone and the computer (damn you Facebook!).  While, I should be cleaning my house and making sure my son isn't stuffing rocks up his nose I am checking my email, drinking coffee and talking to my sister on my cell phone."

Like any good addict I am not going to go into the glass of red wine that has a standing appointment with me everyday at 5pm just so I can make it till Daddy comes home and not end up twitching and muttering to myself in the corner while my children set the house ablaze.....

Dear Walmart,

I am writing this letter to let you know that if I didn't have to shop at your store I wouldn't.  I am feeling  malice beyond the usual love/hate relationship that I have with you normally.  Please allow me to tell you why....

It isn't enough that you never open up more than 2 lanes even though your store is slammed.  And it isn't enough that you put all the As Seen On TV stuff and candy at the cash register for my child to man handle and beg for.  Nooooooo, you went ahead and put candy, gum, and crappy toy machines at the bathrooms.  Not only that but you put the bathrooms in the TOY SECTION!!!!!

Walmart, you suck.

Obviously you have never taken a 3 year old freaky lil monkey through the toy section when he already is cranky and about to pee his pants.  Yes, he would rather pee himself if it means he can catch one more feel of that Sponge Bob toy. 

How could you?  Oh, wait....I know how you could.  Because somewhere in some glass encased office at the top of some building your Exec's are sitting there in their really expensive suit and it came to them.  

"Hmmmm, how to get more kids into the toy aisle when their parents don't want to take them?? Well hell, kids always have to pee the minute they get somewhere!!!  We'll put the bathrooms right there in the toy section!  I am brilliant!  I think I will give myself another $500 thousand dollar bonus for screwing the parents shopping at  Walmart!"

Well, if it wasn't for your really good bargains and the fact that you carry just about everything so I can do all the shopping in one go (yes, I love being able to buy my spray paint, avocado's and shotguns all at the same time) I would never see you again.  

Sincerely,

One P.O.'d Mommy

PS  

I will see you tomorrow.  I forgot to pick up toilet paper.

PSS

I still hate you.

The Replacement

It has happened.  The thing I feared.  I am no longer the boy's BFF.  I was so touched when he looked at me with those deep brown eyes and said "Mama, you're my best friend."  I felt so special.  Yet, all at once it is gone. 

We were outside swinging on the play set (Auntie Lala- that is the rocket ship to you) and Maddox saw the kitty wander by and said,

"Hey, Linus!  You are my best friend in the whole world!"  Somehow that minimizes my best friend status.  Stinking cat.

Pee Pee Predicament

Okay, so the Boy has been using the potty for almost a year now and it has been really great to be diaper free.  I celebrated, hell, I took pictures when he first took a poop in that darn potty seat.  Why?  He was the most miserable kid when it came to changing his diaper!  I would let him get to the point where that bad boy was swinging between his legs it was so full.  I would literally have to sit on him and hear him scream bloody murder to get him to let me change it.  Freaky Lil monkey.  I mean who wants to sit in a poo filled diaper?  My son evidently.

So, like I say, I was ecstatic to be rid of the diapers.  That is to say I was ecstatic until about a week ago.  That is when Maddox started peeing the bed.  At first it was just an accident, but after the third night of wetting the bed all night long (and completely soaking through the pad that is supposed to stop this from happening) and not waking up I knew we had a problem.  So now his room smells like pee.  Fun.  I tried spraying the mattress with cleaner, sprinkling it with baking soda and nothing has worked.  But the bigger problem is Mad is no longer waking up in the middle of the night to pee.  He is sleeping right through for some reason.  Hence we are back to the Pull Ups.  Ugghh.  I am struggling with this hard core.  I feel like I am taking a huge step back here.  He knows it is not a diaper and I tell him "do not pee in this!  This is just in case you have an accident."  And he did wake up last night and go pee but that damn Pull Up was already soaked at 1am!  Why!!!  I thought it was annoying that he woke me up five times a night to use the bathroom.  Never mind that he uses it on his own all day long without me.  At night the boy wants an audience.  But this is just so much worse.  

The day I finally broke down and went to Target and bought more Pull Ups was the day he woke up having peed the bed all night long again and was so wet with pee that he had developed a rash where the elastic on his pants was rubbing.  I mean for crying out loud boy!  Don't even get me started on how he doesn't want to take a bath first thing in the morning.  Soooo, my choices are a 7 am bathtub wrestling match or smelling him and his stank (because at this point it stinks so bad it is like a separate entity and we should probably name it....I am thinking Duane sounds good or maybe Neville- those sound like nice stinky names)  until.....oh, about 10am when he finally acquiesces to being scrubbed!  Yeah, that's right, if we don't have anywhere to go some times I will let the boy smell like pee until I have had at least two cups of coffee and can face the screaming mimi that will be the morning bath. 

But, oh for the love of all that is holy, what am I going to do about the bed wetting!!!  I just know that Pull Up is going to be soaked......